The following article was obtained with permission from the writer.
I grew up believing LGBTQ individuals were “immoral” and I learned to feel disgusted by their “wicked” behavior.
It hurts to write these words now, these echoes from a painful and dehumanizing past. But it’s important for me to visit these spaces and to remember.
To remember those shamed into closets of self-hatred. To remember the way we lovingly slammed the door on them “for their own good.” It would have been unspeakably cruel if we hadn’t thought we were right.
But we were so sure.
It’s important to point out just how sure we were. We were so sure it overpowered our empathy. We were so sure it hurt.
It’s only now I realize just how much it hurt.
How much oppression from society, how much shame from one’s religion, how much silence from one’s friends, how much rejection from one’s family, and how much hiding from one’s self.
They say, “Hurt people hurt people.”
Perhaps, but hurt people are also uniquely capable of empathy and compassion because of how familiar they are with pain. It’s those who distance themselves from others’ pain that have a greater capacity to hurt others. Which is why I suspect…
“Dogmatic people hurt people.”
That was my experience. My need to be right trumped human connection and quashed empathy. I don’t think I would have been capable of harming others knowingly were it not for my strongly held beliefs.
Sometimes I wonder how right one needs to feel in order to not feel. There’s not a precise answer to this question but I think we begin to cross the line when we value our beliefs more than our shared humanity.The pain inflicted on others is the more obvious suffering, but those who wield dogma are also experiencing disconnection at the hand of their beliefs.
When you hold a belief so tightly you cannot see another’s humanity, it will eventually obscure your own.
One day I realized just how much my certainty was hurting others and how much my fundamentalism was hurting myself. I wish I could have flipped a switch from fundamentalism to a more open and compassionate way of being. Instead, it was a gradual process of letting go and expanding awareness, then letting go some more.
Something amazing happened when I loosened my grip on strongly held beliefs. I had more freedom to embrace the humanity of others and to allow myself to be embraced. I was able to connect more meaningfully with my own experience and to affirm the experience of others.
I didn’t lose my moral compass, I just recalibrated it in the direction of compassion and shared humanity.
I deeply regret hurting others. It’s sobering to realize how easily I could do it again—how tempting it is to hold beliefs tightly, how comforting it is to feel right, how much my brain joneses for certainty.
And so I remember.
I connect with the pain. I recommit to my values. I loosen my grip on my beliefs and open my arms to myself and others.
Brian Peck is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in religious-based trauma in his private practice, Room to Thrive and guides individuals through their deconversions with evidence-based practices online. Brian loves discovering and adopting new and healthier ways to be human on the other side of religious belief.
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It is easier to point and shame instead of looking into the mirror. To hurt someone allows for continual missed opportunities to love oneself. Everything is learned and unfortunately copied. Even good behavior that is mimic will only last a short while. Becoming whole, body, mind and soul will only produce kindness, empathy and love for humanity. I cried reading this I shamed my only son because I couldn’t see past my position. I have since reconciled my ignorance and pursued understanding. Love is the answer
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Naomi, I appreciate and celebrate both your vulnerability and transparency. Your awareness of your own humanity, with all of its shortcomings and victories, empowers you and all of us to recognize and embrace the humanity of others in LOVE!
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Reblogged this on cabbagesandkings524 and commented:
A confession containing the possibility of change, of exchanging dogmatic certainty for loving compassion.
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When we make a conscious decision to camp in the place of another person’s humanity, it is at that point we become liberated from the prison of our own rigid belief system and join hearts and minds together in the blossoming frontiers of love.
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On that theme, a favorite song:
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What a beautiful and moving rendition. 😊
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Josiah: Thank you for your honest and vulnerability. I wanted to tell you that the other day I read this post and reflected on my own journey, and it inspired this poem. Thank you.
https://shellypruittjohnson.wordpress.com/2019/06/12/my-new-law-a-poem/
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Shelly, your “My New Law”: A Poem” was beautifully composed, and brought home the point that LOVE is indeed more of what we need.
As it relates to the post on my blog, it was actually penned by Brian Peck at https://www.roomtothrive.com
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Nice and somehow is true.
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It took courage to say this, I’m sure. And it gives me hope that others will be enlightened. I recently saw a blogger who claims to be a “Christ follower” rant about how homosexual clothing designers should be boycotted because they will go to hell. It scares me we still have people this ignorant out there . . .
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The entire notion of post-modern Christianity is mired in divisive cultural norms that prioritize judgments over relationships. It is sad when hurting individuals use their crutches as weapons of destruction rather than instruments of support and healing.
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