Deep down in my core is a feeling I cannot seem to shake. The feeling is neither good nor bad, happy or sad. It is more like a tug of war or ‘push v. pull’ between what I think I ought to be doing and…something else.
The “something else” feeling is likened to a search for the last missing piece of a puzzle. For the past several days, I found myself scouring the web for hours without any particular goal. And I am still not sure if I have found that which I am seeking or missing. At the end of my aimless searching, the myriad of thoughts running through my mind would converge on the part of my person that desires something more.
Perhaps, I am experiencing intellectual boredom. Maybe, I am subconsciously suffering from a midlife crisis. Those are plausible possibilities. There is a part of me that feels like I have not done enough—enough of anything—as though I am running in place, and life is moving forward as one gigantic incomplete piece. I feel like I am in a dream watching happiness and contentment slip away like sand through my fingers.
Interestingly, I recently released a book, which is something I ought to be celebrating, yet, I do not have much sense of accomplishment. I am not unhappy with having another book “under my belt” because I am. Nonetheless, there is a part of me, which is not tied to writing, that feels like: “Is that it, is that all you got?”
It could be that it is time to take a break from my thoughts. Whatever this feeling is, I am trying to embrace it. I will adjust, adapt, and learn what works best for me.
This blog post’s initial title was “My 2021 Writing Goals,” but I went along this stream of consciousness ride, and ta-da.
Your thoughts are always welcomed.